I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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