my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
