Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
