so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
