amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
