Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
