Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
