I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize