i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
