i just google imaged poop.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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