im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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