My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
