You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
