I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
