yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
