i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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