even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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