Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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