Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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