dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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