There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
