I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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