guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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