see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
