this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize