I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
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