No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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