Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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