the condom got lost in my hair
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
