I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
