So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
