why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
