i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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