I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
