you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
