Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize