why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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