not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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