Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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