Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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