I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
