lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
