I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
