I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
