if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
