i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
