My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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