How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
