that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
