There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
