We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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