a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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