Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
