four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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