my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
