Four minutes until I can fart!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
