How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm passing your future prison.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
