I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
