I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
