Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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