i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
