The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Four minutes until I can fart!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
