it wasn't lemon gatorade
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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