Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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