I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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