the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize