he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
