just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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