im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just pee around me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
