2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
