you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
