I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
