He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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