Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
