i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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