On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
